365 days.
it’s been 365 days. one whole year.
I’m shaking my head in disbelief as I’m writing this, because it blows my mind.
For me, it’s still hard to wrap my head around it sometimes. A lot of the time, I still have this feeling like mom’s been away on vacation and any day now she’s coming back. Other times it hits me so hard that she’s not around - I can no longer hear the jingles of her bracelet, her sitting on the bed waiting for the family to pile in to watch a movie, her distinct singing at the very back of the church.
If I settle in and lean into those moments, most of the time I’ll break. It’s why most of the time, a majority of the time, I won’t lean it. I’ll back off and try to distract myself. It’s not because I don’t want to think about it, it’s because if I end up settling it, I’ll be there awhile.
I’ve realized that you cannot prepare yourself, no matter how hard you try, to lose someone that you love. And that grief and how you deal with that loss, is different for everyone. I am an emotional person in general, so it’s not a surprise that there were lots of tears involved. But I think for the first couple of months, I tried my hardest to be strong and I thought I had it together.
I started counselling a couple of weeks after mom passed away. It was something that’s been on my heart for awhile to go and speak with a therapist months ago, but I think dealing with this situation pushed me to really do it. I’m such an advocate for counselling/therapy and for me, it really helped me to analyze my emotions and articulate them and my thoughts into coherent ideas. But I remembered vividly sitting in my counsellor’s office and having a chat about dealing with this loss. And as she prompted me and I chatted, I remembered her telling me that she does not think I’ve grieved properly.
I was confused by this. See, I don’t do well with death and funerals and cemeteries and all that…so dealing with all that on top of losing my mom was tough…but I felt that by that time, I was finally getting my bearings straight.
Then I came to Kingston and being away from home for the first time, in a smaller town, knowing nobody freaked me out. I remember bawling my eyes out the first night I was here myself, feeling crappy because I didn’t really make any friends at school yet and then coming home to an empty apartment. I honestly questioned if I made the right decision to do this. Why did I pick Queen’s? I called home and that night just hit me just how much I missed mom. I love my dad and my sister and they did try their best to comfort me, but my mom always knew what to say during these times. And it was tough not getting the comfort that I needed during that time.
Then the flashbacks. If something triggered my memory or if I pass by a funeral home, like I would when I would come and go from the VIA rail station in Kingston, I literally would be brought back to February 8, 2019. I’d remember every detail of that morning, afternoon and night. I would remember what I saw, what I heard, what I felt. Who was there, what the environment was like. What mom looked like, what was our last conversations. Then my mind would think about what it was like to be at the funeral home, what the service was like, the burial. EVERYTHING. I replayed it in my head, play by play, everything that happened. And I would start crying, remembering all the details, feeling all the feelings I felt exactly that day and sometimes more amplified because I’ve had time to process. Sometimes accompanying the flashback and the crying, I’d get panic attacks because I felt like I was reliving it again.
Sometimes, it would happen randomly. Like in the mall parking lot after hanging out with some friends from school. And I’d have to stay for awhile to stop crying and catch my breath.
That kept happening for sometime and slowly, the frequency decreased. When I drive by a funeral home now, I don’t feel as triggered as I was before. And when I remember something that brings me back to February 8th, I can ease my mind and stop it from replaying in my head.
Time. Time helps a lot, however cliched that sounds. Helps, but not take away the pain.
And grace.
If it was not for God’s grace and just being encompassed by His love this past year, I don’t know how I would have gotten through the year. I think throughout this whole year, I’ve just been in awe of how God continuously worked in my life, in ways that may not be evident in the moment. I really want to take time to share with you some of the ways that He has really shown that with you all.
I was so blessed to have the opportunity to go to Europe with my dad in April and just spend some time with him. Out of everyone, I was most worried for him. That time that I got to spend with him and talk about mom, the future, and all that was much needed to ease a little bit of my worries. I also got to see a dear friend of mine get married and being there surrounded by new and old friends, celebrating love, in this picturesque place was what I needed at that time.
That first day when I was crying in my apartment, realizing that I was all alone, my sweet sister surprised me by delivering food for me. The poor Uber guy had to not only deal with this hysterically crying girl, but he had to read out this sweet note my sister made him read which made me cry even more. My best friend also sent over my favourite flowers to cheer me up. That night, some of my friends called me to check up and talk to me, and man did that really help knowing that I can still feel connected while not being at home.
I remember I had a really bad day and I just felt really sad, lonely and just wanted to go home. Randomly one of my new friends from school texted me and asked if I wanted to do some homework together that night. We ended up going to the park, not doing much work, but just chatted. I opened up about how I’ve been feeling, and it was such a relief to be able to talk to her about it. So thankful to have that much needed time to chat, be away from the house and for my friend.
Before I came to Kingston, I started looking for a campus Christian group that I could join when I got to Queen’s. Randomly, I came across this group on Facebook called Geneva House and decided to join. I had forgotten all about it, until someone posted in the group about women huddle groups starting up in the summer. Honestly, I didn’t really have anything to do that summer and I’m just meeting people with no established friend groups, so I thought why not? Let me tell you, that was one of the best decisions that I’ve made. I’m still in a huddle group till this day with the loveliest group of ladies. The Lord has really showed His love for me through this group of people, lifting me up when I really needed it, keeping me accountable and helping me grow this past year. So blessed to be a part of this group and I have so much love for these ladies.
He also put other people in my life throughout the year that without them knowing, has really helped me get through this year and also change my perspective of being in this new city. A friend who is so easy to talk to and legit cheered me on when I had to get my blood work done. Friends that I have weekly dinner dates with. Friends I joke around with in classes and have movie/dinner nights with.
Coming to Kingston gets easier and easier. I’ve slowly gotten used to the city, the people, and have fallen in love with the waterfront, the food, and the lack of traffic. And honestly, this was the perfect time for me to be here. I struggled for a while being at home, because I felt there were just too many memories there, especially of this date last year. I needed to be away, not only to learn to be more independent but to just take some time away from those hard memories.
I’ve also been blessed with such an amazing community of people back home. From best friends who know exactly when I need some pick me ups, through lunch/dinner dates, phone calls and just always being around. To my church family who has been a constant support system, present and always praying for us.
Lastly, we also got the opportunity to visit Thailand/Vietnam in the summer and Indonesia this past December to spend time with family. I think both trips were again much needed and it was so nice to spend time with my dad and sister, and also to be surrounded by family, especially during a season like Christmas, where we would be celebrating it for the first time without mom around.
So here is my conclusion from all that.
365 days. 365 days of ups and downs. 365 days of missing mom.
And through the downs of downs and the toughest of days, God is still good. As I reflect and look back, I just feel incredibly blessed and thankful.
And I know that mom would have been proud.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” - Matthew 11:28
Dear mom,
Missing you everyday.
Promise I’m taking care of dad and Jen (And keeping track of dad’s kerupuk intake).
I’m amazed at the impact that you’ve had in this world and how God used you in so many different ways to be a blessing to SO many people. I only pray that He would use me to do the same.
I hope to keep making you proud.
Can’t wait to be singing and dancing in heaven with you.
Love,
Kim
