waiting on the Lord.
Hi friends,
Just wanted to give a little prologue for you all before you read this beautifully written post (not written by me).
I’ve known Ruth for about 24 years give or take. She’s one my best friends and a sister, she’s been with me through many life milestones.
When she asked me if she can put her testimony on the blog, I immediately said yes. It’s one of the reasons I stated this thing - not only as a place for me to share snippets about my life, but if there are others who want to share theirs then they have the space to do so.
What Ruth and her family went through these past months is something that many families have gone through, but rarely share with the public or even their own community. It’s incredibly difficult, vulnerable, and raw.
I’m incredibly privileged to share this testimony and short reflective piece with you all—not only to help you understand a bit more about the ins and outs of this particular topic, but also to remind us how the Lord is still at work in every circumstance, and the hope we have in knowing that He is good and His timing is perfect.
I wept reading this…especially because I’ve been praying and reflecting on patience & waiting these past couple of weeks. What a reflection as we enter into Good Friday and Easter Sunday.
I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did.
X,
Kim
“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”
This is not my usual post, but one that is near and dear to my heart. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.
As we enter Good Friday and Easter, I would like to take this opportunity to invite you in a short reflection, one that we recently had the privilege of reflecting within our small family. But for context we would like to share a little snippet of our life in the past few months:
A few months ago, we were blessed with the joyful news of welcoming a new addition to our family. The timing was almost too perfect: a wonderful surprise that fell right on our daughter’s 3rd birthday. As stress had been building up immensely at the office the last few months, it felt like it was the best news we heard for the longest time. Three words: “Paid Maternity Leave”. Not a paid vacation - but close enough. Funny enough though, God had other plans - just as we learned many times in our journey as parents.
After our first ultrasound, we were greeted with words that we did not expect: “No heartbeat. Fetal Demise.” Simply put: a potential miscarriage. The next three weeks became a waiting game of tests after tests, ultrasounds after ultrasounds, prayer after prayer. Anticipating the next cramp, the next bleeding, or the next pain to come. But it never came. I continued having all the wonderful first trimester symptoms like vomiting and headaches, as if i was still pregnant, and zero signs of miscarriage. We were still hopeful, but all we could do was wait in a limbo.
In the week of waiting, I dissociated from the world. I wasn’t sobbing, anxious, or sad all the time, but my world was silent. Almost slow motion. I took my lunch off the computer for the first time in weeks, and I sat quietly in a hidden corner of a food court, listening to a sermon about waiting on the Lord. The pastor reflected on Psalm 27 and introduced a simple acronym: F-A-S-T. Fast? A little ironic for the concept of “waiting”. But he said: “while we wait on the Lord, we FAST.”
“F = Focus on the Lord”: We don’t dwell in our current circumstances, but we look upon Christ who was, is, and always will be faithful.
“A = Adoration”: We give thanks and we adore Him who is merciful and gracious to us in every seasons of life. We give thanks & remember of the MULTITUDES of times God brought us out of our darkest moments, the times he walked in our sorrows, the times he sits and carried our grief, and the times he turned mourning to joy.
“S = Seek and Surrender”: We invite the Lord to be a part of our waiting process. We seek for his wisdom, his strength, and most importantly, we surrender. We relinquished all matters that we once controlled and held so tightly in our hands and we place it into the hands of the one who is greater than us.
“T = Trust”: We believe in the one who holds our past, present, and future. We hold fast to the one who is omnipotent, never-failing, and never-ending in love and strength. His plan is ALWAYS BETTER than anything we can imagine.
Focus, Adore, Seek, and Trust. FAST.
At the end of that sermon, my heart felt heavy and light. I felt like my faith was questioned and tested (yet again), but also my soul relieved and comforted. I went home a little lighter than when I left that day.
Friday night, as Raelynn, Ryan and I sat on the couch, we received the final blood test results confirming everything we suspected. Our second blood work indicated that our pregnancy hormone (HCG) was not growing, and we slowly made peace with the fact that this baby chose to be with our Heavenly Father sooner than later.
At the time, Raelynn was busy playing with her stethoscope, pretending to be a doctor as she knew and was excited about this upcoming sibling. I didn’t yet have the heart to tell her that she may have to wait a little longer. Out of no where, she patted my tummy gently, and spoke to it, saying: “I love you baby.” And kissed the bump.
…and that broke me.
A wave of emotions came for the first time in weeks: guilt, grief, but again, also relief. I hugged her hard and sobbed. I felt like I’ve been underwater, and it was the first time I felt I could really breathe. As she let me have my “cry session”, I anticipated her asking me “Mama are you okay?” which she normally does. But instead, she touched my face and said: “Let me wipe your tears away Mama.” and so her little hands did.
As if that wasn’t tugstring enough, she suddenly continued humming a song:
“For God so loved the world,
he gave his only Son,
To die on Calvary’s Tree,
From sin to set me free…”
Hummed it through, not knowing the lyrics, until it came to the only part of the song where she knew the actual words, and sang:
“Some day he’s coming back
What glory that will be…”
…like a promise from the Lord, assuring us that there will come a more beautiful time and place - but just not now.
And how does that song ends? Some of you may already know:
“Wonderful his love to me.”
Comfort and a declaration of God’s abounding love.
For context, we never sang this song at home. To this day, I still don’t know where she learned it. But I will never forget a verse that pierced my heart after she sang her little verse: “Out of the mouth of infants and nursing babies you have prepared praises.”
It was a moment where I was gently reminded that God had not only given me more time to enjoy my singular kid, but He had also used the mouth of a 3-year old to minister to us both. A reminder for me to hold FAST to Him. While we may have grieved an earthly death these past weeks, we are also called to fix our eyes upon a more victorious death: a death on the cross that overcame all deaths. And if the short life of a 6 week embryo can bring this much glory to God’s name, how full and wonderful is already the life of this little pea? No heartbeat…, and yet bearing as a living testimony for us all.
The grief that I bore silently for weeks was overturned with gratitude. While the sorrow did not disappear, my burden was light. I got to spend my time with Rae more wholeheartedly, I received comfort from people I least expected, I rested… the Lord granted me weeks of slow silence so I could hear just him. Everyday at work, He gave me just enough grace and strength for that day: no more, no less.
So, I want to share this journey not merely as a personal experience, but also in the hopes to invite everyone to reflect, especially as we are in Holy Week. All of us - as God’s “living embryos” - the ones chosen specially by Him to make it beyond months in the womb: How have we Focused, Adored, Seek, and Trust him as we wait for his return? How have we personally experienced death to our earthly sins, habits, and desires? What must we give up in our life to “take His cross and follow him”? While Jesus have died bearing our sins, how have we lived for the one who has risen; for the one who gave us new life? And what does that life look like? What testimony do we bear?
Perhaps not everyone here has ever experienced a miscarriage, but death and sorrows are universal to us all, I’m sure. And until that time comes when our earthly bodies fail and our bodies turn to ashes, I invite us all to reflect on the lyrics of this song, and respond on the ways we are now living. So that hopefully, at the end of that journey, the Lord can say to us “well done good and faithful servant” for we’ve lived fully, bearing a fruitful testimony for the Lord.
Amen.
- Written by Ruth Soesilo