2191 days.
Wow. 6 years, where did the time go?
If you are reading my blog and this type of post for the first time, you might be wondering what I’m talking about. 6 years ago after an 8-years long battle with cancer, my mom went to be with the Lord. Every year on this day, I put up a little reflection post about the year with this topic in mind, talking about how the year has been. I do it as a self-reflection tool for myself, but also to walk alongside others who have lost loved ones and dealing with grief in its different stages. I think within the first years or two after it happens, people still check-in and understand the feelings you are going through. However, after that people tend to forget or don’t realize how it might still play a factor in your life. So I write these short posts to share about my own journey and in hopes that it could be a blessing to those who read & going through the same thing.
I’ve thought about mom a lot this year, in many different aspects of my life.
If you’ve read last year’s post or even my year recap, you’ll know that the past year has been tough. I think the biggest thing would be the change in family dynamics that has often brought mom to the front centre of my thoughts the past year. Not only do different circumstances make me miss her a lot, sometimes I question how different life would be if she was still here.
In moving away from home this past September, I have also thought about what mom would think of me being at Oxford for the year. She’s always loved having everyone close, so once in awhile I would think about what she would say about my decision to stop work and go back to school. I think even with mom probably having comments about me being far, she would be happy for me and would 100% not fail to call me every day. It’s really odd not being at home at this time and even writing this reflection post away from home. Usually our family would go to this garden centre nearby church to pick out an assortment of beautiful flowers to put on mom’s grave site, but unfortunately I will not be at home to join in.
Also, I feel like mom got brought up in conversation more than usual this past year, especially in the context of someone else telling me that they miss my mom. I feel like the past couple of years, once in awhile someone would bring up mom in conversation but this year I feel like people have brought it up a lot. And I don’t mind it at all. I think it’s lovely that people still think about her (and apparently dream about her too) and so lovely to see the impact she still have on many people here.
Which leads me to the last part of this post that I thought was going to be short, but ended up still being pretty hefty. I wanted to conclude with 2 things that this past year thinking of mom has made me reflect on MY own life.
The first one has to do with mom’s love for welcoming and investing time in people. Growing up, Jen and I saw time and time again how my parents love the people around them. People at church, people away from church, people we knew, people we didn’t know. The number of people that come in and out of my house on a weekly basis is the definitely not the norm. My parents are always hosting people - having newcomers to Canada come for dinner, guest speakers stay at the house, chats and meetings. My house is pretty consistently full of people. I can speak for myself in admitting that there were times when I personally got frustrated with this notion because it meant that I’m cleaning up something or doing the dishes after a large dinner party or even kicked out of my room because guests need to use it.
On top of that, my mom used to be on the phone quite a bit checking up on people. Or if at church, she’s talking way past the end of the service. Mom has always been a people person. She loved on people so well, she has invested her time into so many people and it shows even till this day. Not just being present and creating space for people, but truly getting to know them and doing life with them. And as I was at a conference yesterday where one of the speakers talked about gifts, this was a gift that the Lord gave to mom for sure. Now that I am older, I so look up to that, especially being here in Oxford.
I feel like I’ve been reminded by being here of what welcoming is like, the stuff that my mom used to do and I also feel in some what that God has placed in my heart to do as well. I have been blessed here to be surrounded by people who have been so welcoming, who are investing time in me, checking in & it honestly has made me thought about mom a LOT and made me reflect on how I can channel a little bit more of mom’s attitude for loving the people around her. And not JUST loving on people, but doing life with them too.
Lastly, we’ve been talking about the book of Philippians at church for bible study. The book really brings home the point of Christ being our priority in life throughout all circumstances. I watched the movie “We Live in Time” recently and spoiler alert it is about a couple’s love story but also about dealing with a cancer diagnosis. As I watched it, it reminded me about mom’s journey and how painful & hard it was for her. And yet, the themes that Paul write about in Philippians also played in my head. It was really hard to go see someone you love go through something so hard, but also seeing mom even during that time turn to God, till the last moments, will always be something I remember.
2 Timothy 4:7 is the verse that we chose for mom to put on her headstone. A very fitting verse I think and a reminder for myself to keep pushing through & where I should look to in all circumstances of life.
Mom, thank you for continuing to teach and shape me here. We miss you!
Kim