1095 days.
This is all of the unexpressed love. The grief that will remain with us until we pass because we never get enough time with each other, no matter whether someone lives until 60 or 15 or 99. I hope this grief stays with me because it’s all of the unexpressed love that I didn’t get to tell her, and I told her every day.
I watched an Andrew Garfield interview a couple of days ago and he said this regarding grief about losing his mom recently. I thought it was beautiful and needed to be shared.
It’s hard to wrap around the fact that it’s been three years. Life keeps trudging along. And while it does, the thought of mom is never too far away. From the pictures around the house, when I look at her magnificent magnet collection that stretches the wall of our house, when I cook some of my favourite dishes she made, or making a passing comment about something she would like/not have liked (she would have sincerely DISLIKED COVID).
I don’t like spending too much time thinking about February 8, 2019. As crazy as it seems, PTSD from that day still lingers if I actually sit down to REALLY think about the day. I can remember the sounds, the people, the feeling, the play by play of that day - and it’s not really a time I want to re-live again. The night of February 8, I could barely sleep. Starting that night, I had to sleep with something playing in order for me to sleep. I ended up playing a podcast to help me nod off for a bit. And for the next 2.5 years I could not fall asleep without having something playing in the background (unless someone else is in the room, then I would feel bad putting something on). I think it helped me focusing on something else rather than what’s going on in my brain. Here’s the win though, I’ve FINALLY been able to sleep without something on. Cheers to that.
We miss mom very much. Especially big milestone moments this year. I know she would have loved to be a part of it. Also, when things are crazy. Mom seems to always have the solution or know what to do.
Gone but never forgotten. You never failed to share how God is good through every circumstance in your life. Thank you for showing us how to live a life that is testament to God’s goodness, love, and grace.
Love you mom.