1460 days
4 years.
1460 days. Wow. It’s hard to wrap my head around sometimes.
I told myself I would write a short reflective piece each year on this date, so here is this year’s.
Grief is an interesting thing. 4 years seems not so short, yet sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday.
If you follow my blog and have read previous years posts, you’ll know that I really struggled with flashbacks and sleep for a long while. The flashbacks are gone gone, but that day remains vivid in my brain. As for sleep, no more are the days of falling asleep to podcasts, dark and silence are the norms.
I honestly thought I was completely fine. Until you’re not. See grief comes in waves. At least mine does.
Moments and milestones hit and you feel it again. Your nephew is born, the first grandson in the family. Your 30th birthday. Days when you feel super down.
I think I’m fine. Then Jen plays a recording of her conversation with mom days before she left us. And I’m a complete mess listening to her voice.
My best friend sent me a post once about a big block of butter being an analogy for grief. How it seems difficult, big and impenetrable. But when you put the butter in a croissant dough and you fold it in, it just becomes part of the different layers - there but softer. I loved the analogy and I think it’s pretty spot on.
So for those of you who are currently working through the pain of losing someone, whether it be today, yesterday, months ago, years ago. I see you. You are not alone.
I also want to take time in this post to reflect on mom.
She was one special lady and for those of you who have met her, knew her, I’m sure you will agree with that. Jen and I often talk about just her impact on the people she’s met over the years and we’re always in awe and inspired by that. In fact, my dad recently went to visit her old coworkers at her old workplace and told us that her picture is still up at the office. She’s still brought up in conversations and she’s still so very much missed by so many people.
So the question is: what makes her so special?
I asked some of my family and friends this question just for this blog. Before I share those with you, I’d like to share my own perspective.
Mom had the ability to make people feel seen and heard. I’ve always been in awe by mom’s ability to communicate with others, especially during the hard moments. Speaking as someone who hates confrontations or having tough conversations, mom approached them head on and was able to give constructive criticism to others without offending them. I think it’s because she really got to know people and they know that she was being genuine.
She was always on the phone, talking to people. Not in like a she’s scrolling through social media and can’t put her phone down way. She checked in and checked up. Mom was always in the know, because people wanted her advice and opinions on things.
She was the queen of hospitality, our house was always stocked with snacks that when people randomly drops by, there’s always something to munch on. I remember a friend coming by to visit and she wasn’t planning to stay over for dinner, but of course mom insisted and somehow even when not expecting company put together a wonderful dinner. She always made room for people, invited friends/families/strangers/newcomers to join dinners, or provided a space for visitors to stay.
She loved on people.
And boy, is that something I look up to and something I aspire to be.
Mom, you are so missed. Grateful that you are a rolemodel still to this day and for being such a light in this earth. You were such a testament of God’s love and grace & continue to be.
This next portion of the blog are comments from different people - friends and family that shared with me what they think made mom special or why mom was special to them. They’ll be anonymous, but I thought it was such a sweet reminder of what a joy mom was to so many people and wanted to share with you all. it’s been such a nice reflection for me as I read these messages and an encouragement to aspire more to be like mom.
She’s always very kind and thoughtful. Always had my favourite food for me when I came to visit (noodles and my favourite sweets).
I like her sense of humour - she’s so funny and can do jokes. Also, I like her stories, she always has stories to tell, very entertaining!
What I can say, is when I went to her funeral, I was amazed by how many people showed up. That’s a facts based answer telling you that she made such an impact on so many peoples lives. If I judge her by the qualities she no doubt passed to you, I’d say she was kind, compassionate, god loving, and a beautiful soul who cares so deeply for people. Her care is what enhanced her relationships and these qualities I note, have lived on through you and Jen. And will live on forever as you pass down some of her to your own kids. In the few times I did meet her, I felt warmth. The warmth of a mother who loved her kids so much. Her sweetness in caring for us.
She was so real. Like she would be honest and insightful but also tactful and soft. Absolutely brilliant. So creative and driven - like she backed and started an entire church out of her basement!
The number of people who saw her as a mom for themselves too…I think the number of people at the funeral spoke to that.
I don’t really remember much about my dear aunt, since we live far away and we don’t really see each other much. But I remember every time we get the chance to see each other, her presence brought warmth and joy. She’s always a sunshine, I can feel her love flowing through. The one memory that I never forget, we went to Quebec back in 2014. She bought me a Christmas ornament, its a figure skating boots. She knew how much figure skating meant to me, I was so touched. Till now, I kept it close to me and every time I see it, it reminded me of her and the memories we share. She will always be a part of my beautiful memory <3
God creates each one of us uniquely. So does your mom. Her conviction as a Christians has admired a lot of peoples. She is a caring , empathetic , and very organized individual. Her strong faith in Christ till the end of her life was solid testimony for all her friends and families.
I didn’t spend so much time with your mom to be completely honest but from the little times I had the pleasure of being around her, I felt she had this special positive energy - always good mood, happy, smiles.
I think what made her special was her ability to be a mom and role model to anyone and everyone. May sound cliché, but like being around her makes you want to be a better person. Not just make you wanna be better in that ONE MOMENT, but the kind that makes you continuously check back on everything you have done in your life - both bad and accomplishments - and you think about NOW and your FUTURE, and if any of those things matter. And if they do matter, how can you do it better in the future / remind yourself to make that a priority in your life because it’s something that you know your mom would do. Like I don’t know if that makes sense - but she is like life’s meter stick. Watching her life unfolds makes you think about how you want YOUR LIFE to unfold. And even to the very end, you want to triumph the way she did.
Hi Kim, it will not be enough to write it down how good is your mom. Esther loved to do God's ministry, she loved others as she loved her God. While under pressure, she remained faithful. Despite everything she faced she remembered God's promises.
What makes her special are her wisdom, her sincerity, her honesty, her vulnerability, her kindness. She was exactly what is described in Proverbs 31:25-30.
2 days ago, when I looked for a file in my laptop, I came across the collage that I made for her funeral and I was crying. Sometimes I still feel like she was taking a trip far away but she will be back. The first 2 years, every time I participated in the Lord Supper, I always imagined her sitting at the Lord's table and with Jesus and us here, celebrated the Lord Supper together and how happy she is. I still do thinking about her when participating the Lord's supper.
Your mom always knew how to say the right word.
Esther is like a sister to me. She approached me so warmly thr first time I met her when I came to the church. She even helped me so that I can get my first office job here in canada. She was really a channel of God’s blessings for me and my family. She gave me and my family full attention and she and Monty gave us so much of their time to just be there for us when my dad passed away.
Esther also prayed a lot for me and my family. That slowly but surely I listen to God’s calling to serve Him more. Im sure she was listening to God’s calling to get me closer to Him.
For me, mom is a friend in need. She will never say to me that she has no time for a chat. Never. Or, she's busy now, the end of year, and so forth. Never. Every time I had an issue with the church to discuss she will be there for me. And of course always with your dad. It's almost like she's available for 24/7. Her commitment to the church is beyond my expectation. I would say I won't be here serving IRECT this long without her support. God has used her in a beautiful way for this church.
Esther is like a sister to me. She approached me so warmly the first time I met her when I came to the church. She even helped me so that I can get my first office job here in Canada. She was really a channel of God’s blessings for me and my family. She gave me and my family full attention and she and Monty gave us so much of their time to just be there for us when my dad passed away.
Esther also prayed a lot for me and my family. That slowly but surely I listen to God’s calling to serve Him more. I’m sure she was listening to God’s calling to get me closer to Him.
I missed my sister, Esther Winardi ❤️